Drip Tock

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Is there a lost and found for humans?

I’ve lost myself in every sense of the word

My will, drive, determination

The very traits that made me tick

Tock the clock is ticking

Moving the hands of time closer

To my expiration date

I could restart the timer

But the batter is bad

No amount of flour and water

Could fix what I’ve become

I found myself to lose myself

Like the left sock that never returns

I don’t know why I compare

Such things {…}

How do I reach back into that

Swimming hole in my brain

The one that’s full of life and mystery

Ideas that trickle down my mind

Rehydrating my thoughts

I can taste it on the tip of my tongue

Sweet and delicious

But I can’t grab a hold

It eludes me

Like sanity escapes most

At least I recognize my insanity

The disconnect from reality I’m attached to

Like a baby to his mothers breast {…}

Sink your teeth in

Every last drop is vital

For survival ©

 

The Well

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The room is blurry as I try to see

How to pull myself out {…}

Out of this hole

Deep, empty, desolate

I climb near the top but slip

On the edges

Back down again

Here I am

Tangled in webs of secrets and despair

Something is glowing far away, but when I run

My feet stop working

I climb on my side

As a snake, slithering

I don’t even know how to slither

The faster I try to run,

The slower my body moves

And the brightness dims

Frightened by every shadow,

Was it even there to begin with?

The light knows it doesn’t belong here!

Please don’t go {…}

Come back

If you leave I’ll stop climbing

I need you to show me the way

If the fire that lights the path never gets brighter

And I never climb higher

Then the darkness is where I’ll stay ©

 

I’m Back

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It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve published anything, and I realized that writing is woven within me and never really left. My mind is like an overflowing garbage bin that begins to smell and rot if I don’t empty it…threatening to putrefy my remaining thoughts and memories if I tarry to express my feelings. And so it begins, again. I hope to revamp my writing style and blog space in order to pick up where I left off, while making up for lost time.

Out Of Loss Come Life. A Journey Of Grief.

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I recently lost my grandmother. She passed the day after Thanksgiving and changed my world forever. Her death was sudden, and unexpected, and I still can’t fully grasp that she’s gone. I still dial her phone every so often because I’m so used to our frequent conversations…and then realize no one will be answering my call…ever again.

My grandmother was more to me than most think of when they think of their grandparents. Her name was Virginia, same as my middle name, and she was ever so much like a mother to me. I didn’t have the warmest upbringing, to put it lightly, and so my grandmother stepped in selflessly to try fiercely to raise me right, every chance she got. And she sure was fierce. Nicknamed, ‘The Boss’, she commanded attention no matter where she was, and kept a long list of friends and close acquaintances over the years, even holding onto high school friends all the way to 92 years of age. She was a one of a kind woman, with one of the strongest personalities I’ve had the pleasure of being around.

My grief from losing her has been so devastating, for almost 3 months I was physically sick, and deteriorating rapidly with each passing day. I cried so many times my face began to look like someone I haven’t seen before. My weight has significantly fluctuated, from losing 12 pounds from not eating, and then gaining 8 from gradually eating again, and then losing 6 again. My emotions have been at an all time heightened sensitivity high; I literally cry at almost everything now a days. A movie that I’ve seen before can have a sad or happy moment occur, anything that stirs emotion, and the tears are rolling without warning. Admittedly, I’ve always been an emotional person, but never to this level.

Although this has been a tumultuous time for me, to say the least, I have found that I am somehow becoming a stronger person. In ways that I didn’t expect. For instance, I’ve always cared so much about what others think of me (unnaturally so), and suddenly that seems so insignificant. I am a chronic over-analyzer and so every interaction used to plague my psyche. I would replay every glance, conversation, response…to the point of exaggeration. I’d go grab a cup of coffee from the local coffee shop, and if I wasn’t feeling secure that day, I might spend an hour after finishing my cup of caffeine analyzing how the interaction with the barista went. How insane is that? I don’t know if this is normal for some, but if you’ve never experienced this level of analyzing, I can assure you it is time consuming at best. Suddenly, though, as if in relation with the death of my beloved grandmother, the need to excessively overanalyze every human interaction is lifting, and I am beginning to worry less about what people think and care more about each experience instead.  I’m discovering things about myself that I never truly realized or accepted (more likely), and it is unbelievably empowering. Especially the negatives. I am welcoming all of the negative aspects of myself with open arms, and I feel for the first time as if a weight has been lifted and I can step outside freely.

I believe when you can begin to understand yourself, flaws and all, it can almost quash the fears surrounding others’ judgment or the discovery of those flaws. The more I warmly embrace my own shortcomings, the less it matters to me whether someone else wants to point them out…

And now, after 4 months of grief, panic, and sadness, the overanalyzing begins to dwindle. The negative whispers inside my head have begun to quiet, for good. I am not sure how positive inner changes could come out of a time where I lost someone so important to me, when I was convinced I’d never be able to shop for groceries again because my anxiety was so out of control, but here I am. It has taken almost 30 years to get here, but maybe the loss of someone so significant made me realize I don’t have enough time on this earth to be focusing on the things that ultimately don’t matter.

Until Then

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It’s almost impossible

I confess

To control my desire

In your presence […]

Your touch

Gives me goosebumps

Your smile

The sweetest sight

Your eyes

Like pools of sapphire

Your words

Make my heart smile

Your kisses

Are my weakness

Your arms

Keep me protected

I burn

Just imagining […]

When we meet again ©