Excieo

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lionnnWith every hurdle you’ve encountered,
How are you still tripping over stones
Weighed down by trivial bullshit
Meant to distract and torment yet
Not big enough to stop you {…}
The Universe
Heard your roar
Once
It was magnificent
How can you so easily forget
The beautiful beast within you
Look in the mirror,
Not at the smile lines
Or at those sought after imperfections
But at the enchanting soul
Behind those brown eyes
Darker than the past you hide behind
Deeper than the well you climb
Let it take over
You’ve lived amongst this noise
Thousands of years now
So remember that you already
Know how to be mighty ©

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Out Of Loss Come Life. A Journey Of Grief.

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I recently lost my grandmother. She passed the day after Thanksgiving and changed my world forever. Her death was sudden, and unexpected, and I still can’t fully grasp that she’s gone. I still dial her phone every so often because I’m so used to our frequent conversations…and then realize no one will be answering my call…ever again.

My grandmother was more to me than most think of when they think of their grandparents. Her name was Virginia, same as my middle name, and she was ever so much like a mother to me. I didn’t have the warmest upbringing, to put it lightly, and so my grandmother stepped in selflessly to try fiercely to raise me right, every chance she got. And she sure was fierce. Nicknamed, ‘The Boss’, she commanded attention no matter where she was, and kept a long list of friends and close acquaintances over the years, even holding onto high school friends all the way to 92 years of age. She was a one of a kind woman, with one of the strongest personalities I’ve had the pleasure of being around.

My grief from losing her has been so devastating, for almost 3 months I was physically sick, and deteriorating rapidly with each passing day. I cried so many times my face began to look like someone I haven’t seen before. My weight has significantly fluctuated, from losing 12 pounds from not eating, and then gaining 8 from gradually eating again, and then losing 6 again. My emotions have been at an all time heightened sensitivity high; I literally cry at almost everything now a days. A movie that I’ve seen before can have a sad or happy moment occur, anything that stirs emotion, and the tears are rolling without warning. Admittedly, I’ve always been an emotional person, but never to this level.

Although this has been a tumultuous time for me, to say the least, I have found that I am somehow becoming a stronger person. In ways that I didn’t expect. For instance, I’ve always cared so much about what others think of me (unnaturally so), and suddenly that seems so insignificant. I am a chronic over-analyzer and so every interaction used to plague my psyche. I would replay every glance, conversation, response…to the point of exaggeration. I’d go grab a cup of coffee from the local coffee shop, and if I wasn’t feeling secure that day, I might spend an hour after finishing my cup of caffeine analyzing how the interaction with the barista went. How insane is that? I don’t know if this is normal for some, but if you’ve never experienced this level of analyzing, I can assure you it is time consuming at best. Suddenly, though, as if in relation with the death of my beloved grandmother, the need to excessively overanalyze every human interaction is lifting, and I am beginning to worry less about what people think and care more about each experience instead.  I’m discovering things about myself that I never truly realized or accepted (more likely), and it is unbelievably empowering. Especially the negatives. I am welcoming all of the negative aspects of myself with open arms, and I feel for the first time as if a weight has been lifted and I can step outside freely.

I believe when you can begin to understand yourself, flaws and all, it can almost quash the fears surrounding others’ judgment or the discovery of those flaws. The more I warmly embrace my own shortcomings, the less it matters to me whether someone else wants to point them out…

And now, after 4 months of grief, panic, and sadness, the overanalyzing begins to dwindle. The negative whispers inside my head have begun to quiet, for good. I am not sure how positive inner changes could come out of a time where I lost someone so important to me, when I was convinced I’d never be able to shop for groceries again because my anxiety was so out of control, but here I am. It has taken almost 30 years to get here, but maybe the loss of someone so significant made me realize I don’t have enough time on this earth to be focusing on the things that ultimately don’t matter.

Home Is A Feeling

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Homesick has always been different for me

I never felt it when away from home

Home wasn’t somewhere I felt safe, or like I belonged

Throughout my life I have felt the “homesick” pangs

Often I would feel them in my own living room

Or in a family member’s home

I thought it would be a feeling I’d experience forever

And then I met you

Suddenly I no longer feel homesick when at home

The only time I feel it now…

Is when I leave your arms

My Life Is Yours, Take What You Need

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I am thinking of becoming a life coach. I have made it through depression, my parents’ divorce, physical and sexual and emotional abuse, my father going to jail, bulimia, anorexia, having a family fight over my sister and I, being homeless at 17, and many more things that I don’t feel like listing.

Yet I am triumphant.

I am resilient.

I have overcome the gauntlet.

I have stories from my past that would make you crawl into a corner, wanting to cry but being unable to due to the mere shock and horror. And here I stand today, with the optimism of someone who has had the world handed to them, and the determination of someone digging to China to free themselves from imprisonment. I will not be knocked down, and I will not walk away from this life without leaving every last bit of knowledge and experience and ounce of love that I possibly can. I want to help others realize that darkness is a blessing, and you only lose when you stop fighting. As long as you can still get up and throw a punch, you are nothing short of a winner. I don’t know the first thing about being a life coach, but I understand people and relationships and I find that nothing makes me happier than giving someone advice; no matter the subject. If you are reading this, I humbly ask that you send prayer or positive vibes for me to discover the knowledge to be successful in this endeavor. I ask this because I believe we are all very connected, and anything is possible with the willpower, determination, and positive thoughts and prayer.

The Importance Of A Bat Cave

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This morning I awoke to the telling white light shining through my window, indicating the reflection of freshly fallen snow. Hello world. And thank you for another day. How beautiful it is to look out the window to an untouched blanket of white, shining under the brilliance of the sun. Due to the weather, I was called out of work, and have been spending my time drinking strong cuban coffee and reading, stopping only to think and to write. It has been a remarkable winter, and a very educational year for me so far. I remember years ago when I lived in the wilderness for two months and almost forgot how beautiful the snow was. After spending many a night freezing beneath a tent, made with a simple blue tarp and some twine, huddled in a sleeping bag manufactured for summer weather at the mercy of wind and the direction it decided to blow, I wanted nothing to do with snow. I learned many lessons during that time, and it has given me a lot to reflect upon today. I recall one night there was a snow storm, and it was so cold that I truly believed I would lose my toes. I couldn’t even imagine making it until the next morning. After that experience, I learned alternative ways of setting up my tent and staying warm. The best way to stave off the wind and weather is to build a bat cave; a 5 point tent with a small opening at the front, and the back tied to trees very close to the ground. The only downside was the snow would build up by morning, and you would wake to a wet sleeping bag if the snow was heavy enough. I also learned to be the best bow driller in my group. I could bust a fire and blow it into flames in less than a minute. Another lesson I learned was to take a Nalgene bottle, fill it with water and place it near the fire. You could put this at your feet during the night and it would hold off the freezing temperatures for a few hours. My greatest lesson was that even though I spent  that one evening with a blizzard blowing through my tent, threatening to tear it down and making my sleeping bag so wet I thought surely I would get hypothermia, I adapted promptly and survived. I came to love the weather and bask in the glory of the daily snow falls. I have begun to apply this experience to my life, remembering that even though it can get so bad that you can’t fathom making it another day; if you become resourceful and learn to survive even the most bitter and coldest blizzards, you can survive anything. This is what I believe makes true success.

Wind Does Not Put Out Fire, It Makes It Stronger

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Fierce. Unstoppable. A force to be reckoned with. These are the words I feel describe me and my life right now, and I couldn’t feel any more blessed or honored to be living this life I call my own. What a treasure to wake up to a new day, and a new chance to get it right and make a change every single time the sun rises. How amazing is that?! It’s impossible to make a list of everything I could be thankful for, because I would never be able to stop writing. I didn’t always feel this way about my life, but for quite a while now I have felt unmistakably powerful and positive about who I am, even if I still haven’t quite figured out what to do with myself to contribute to the world. I do believe that I am headed in the direction of discovery, and I am so much more excited about the journey than the destination. I believe that I have been given an undeniable purpose, and when I am ready, I will know what that is. At this moment I truly don’t think I could be any happier, even if you were to ring my doorbell and hand me a million dollars. And you can quote me on that 😉

Mask The Fold

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Pierce my heart

Let my dreams pour out

Take them

I’m not using them anyway

My soul bleeds

For the time I’ve lost

They tell me I’ll have it all someday

Who are you to dictate my reverie

Simple minded fools

Getting in my space

I love them all

Yet I’ll die for none

My internal struggle for sanity

Has only just begun

You want to come and try

To walk to this beat?

Attach yourself to my hip

Hop along, you’ll see

To think you’ve seen hatred

I’d call you naive

Lay your head back down sweetheart

Goodnight, and sweet dreams ©